Howard Aggregate’s Late Preview #2

Going head-to-head with Radio 4’s Today programme is Resonance’s new current affairs and Ouija board breakfast time flagship, Sir Ted Heath, is that You? Given the preference of living politicians for appearing on the BBC, Resonance has decided to push the envelope of political debate into the afterlife. Sir Ted Heath, is that You? seeks a spiritualistic confab with the movers and shakers of yesteryear in the hope they can offer insight into our credit-crunched world. No self-respecting minister you’ve ever heard of would appear on Resonance alive or dead, so tomorrow morning you’ll hear an interview with former Under-Secretary for the Prevention of Anatolian Soil Erosion, Urgit Burusalan, 1876-1935. Asked for his views on fluctuations in Chinese asset liquidity, he instead warns a woman called Sarap about a box under her kitchen floor.

On Thursday evening, Location, Location, Oh My God The House is Being Attacked by Zombies, is now in its fourth series. Presented by an incredibly strange creature whose name I forget, the show tells you how to modify your house so that you and your family can stay safe whilst under siege from the post-human cannibal horde. This week’s edition road tests zombie-resistant double-glazing as well as a revolutionary basement whose designers claim it’s as safe from the reanimated brain-eaters as any attic.

Radio palmistry enjoyed something of a vogue when wireless sets first became affordable in the 1920’s, and it’s making a comeback with a new Friday afternoon series, Cross My Tweeter with Silver. Presenter Venus Mound wants you to put your hand to the speaker (or the computer screen if you’re listening via the internet on and hear how long you have to wait before you meet a mysterious stranger, get rich, and die in old age.

On Saturday, don’t forget to tune into Resonance’s Valentine’s day vampire special, broadcast live from Highgate Cemetery. Presented by Glass Shrimp’s own Kev the Dead, the programme explores such diverse vampire-related topics as the pros and cons of DIY laser fang sharpening, asks whether breaking into an NHS or private bloodbank is a class or plasma issue, and looks forward to this year’s Crypt Open Day. There’ll also be a feature on the new Wi-Fi enabled Swedish flat pack coffins. And as it’s a romantic occasion, there’ll be a live virgin throat tearing. (To confound the Health and Safety, law and order, Good over Evil types, this will be phoned-in from a mystery cemetery somewhere in eastern Hungary.)

Astrological fascism is the theme of this week’s Sunday Morning Lecture. North Sea Oil rig ‘copter repairman and British Astrological Association member Pete Crumley advances his controversial view of Virgo supremacy. Describing himself as ‘an extreme August twenty-eight-er’, Pete believes that non-Virgans such as Pisces and Cancerians should live under the sea where they belong, while Aquarians should be confined to giant rigs in the middle of nowhere. Librans, Capricorns and Sagittarians he wants to put in special helicopters that fly to the Moon and don’t come back. All other star signs will be immersed in tanks of oil and made to swim the butterfly. (Non-swimmers, more than likely Scorpios, will be given proper training.) Following this purge of the zodiac undesirables, Pete prophesies a radiant future for the Virgan overlords and ladies, who will find that they relate to each other in unexpected ways while events from the recent past reveal themselves in a new light.

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