Howard Aggregate’s Late Preview #5

This week, due to new economic realities, notably Kev’s pension pot (trough is a more accurate word), you may notice some unobtrusive sponsorship on Late Preview. Should there be any contravention of the broadcasting regulations, I’ve tasked our new volunteer, Polly Schedule-Filler, to get the lowdown from OFCOM. 

Does A Black Sedan, a Cheap Motel, a Gun and a Tired Brunette sound like the essence of fifties American film noir to you? If so, brace yourself, because that’s the title of tomorrow morning’s urban orienteering feature broadcast live from south London. Listen to the intrepid adventurers as they forget to top up their Oyster cards, ask tourists for maps and wind up in the tastier gambling dens of Balham staring into the wrong end of a Glock. (The term ‘gun’ has now been modified so that it includes one of those DIY affairs that spews roofing mastic over your carpet.) If you’re listening in the car, and you’ve been dumped, and maybe you’ve been thrown out of the house, don’t kip in the Peugeot, check into the Tulse Hill Mope Motel. ‘If you’re feeling lonely, and you’ve got no place to dwell, weekend rates start at £40 and there’s porn on ca-ble.’ (Supplements apply.) 

On Thursday our very own avant garde estate agent Les Beesley hosts a show tailored exclusively to the housing needs of the 104.4FM listenership. This week Des Res Les comes down our way, trawling Borough High Street where a key property portfolio is – literally – at his feet. Thanks to the magic of radio and 80% proof Nigerian vodka, discarded boxes are transformed into funky and affordable pieds-a-terre with – literally – stunning views across the London tarmac. Les Beesley’s Avant Garde Estate Agency: for all your conveyancing needs. (Provided all you’re conveying is empty boxes from one side of the road to the other.)

Thanks to Polly, there’s nothing on at all this Friday. If that’s enough to drive you out of the Mope Motel and into something more permanent, make sure that before you do, you check out the funerary sensation that is Concrete Underground dot com. Concrete Underground: bringing the good news of reclaimed concrete coffins, mausolea and subterranean pillbox burial chambers to west London and beyond. Just mention my name for an 8% discount!

The Last Editing Suite on the Left is Saturday’s radio industry-set live interactive horror. Described as not so much a whodunnit, more a whogetsit, Editing Suite is snuff-audio where you, the listener, vote for which cast member is killed for real by the feral engineer who lurks in the basement listening to Slayer. Like Polly, he thought that working for nothing at Resonance was a sure springboard to the BBC. Unlike Polly, he could assemble a schedule as well as a torture chamber and wouldn’t put a show like this on at five in the morning. Graduating with a 2:1:2 in Graphic Equalization, Polly Schedule-Filler is passionate about radio showjumping and believes public school accents should always read the news; otherwise, she asks, how will we know the news is true? Experimented into existence at the Porton Down Grindcore Festival in 1989 , Grunt the Psycho Troll-Engineer would like to do unmentionable things to Kirsty Young on a desert island. Unmentionable not because of OFCOM or my own squeamishness, but because he didn’t pay premium rates.

To anyone wanting to know if they can advertise on Resonance 104.4 FM despite our charitable status (please donate via Paypal on our website resonancefm.com) I say to you: would you like a chicken tikka double mayo bap? Because that’s what Polly’s come back to me with, plus a message that the corner shop was out of Gatorade. But it doesn’t matter, because according to this text from Polly’s fiancee Tristram at Coopers and Lybrand, we’re going to be nationalised. That’s right, even charities aren’t immune from the current financial meltdown. British Resonance will start broadcasting on Monday, probably from a disused steel plant outside Corby. Expect a lot more Calling All Pensioners.

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