Howard Aggregate’s Late Preview #9

Kev’s rehearsing for his new Resonance show ‘Kev’ll Fix it.’ It starts next Monday and it’s the subject of tonight’s Late Preview. As the title suggests, the format of the show resembles Jim’ll Fix it, a ‘70’s and ‘80’s tea time telly staple beloved of people of a certain age. People who, in their early teens, wanted Jim to Fix it for them to sit in a racing car, or meet the Prime Minister. There were those who wanted Jim to Fix it for them to sit in a racing car with the Prime Minister, for which foolish request they were ridiculed by the studio audience. Who were just like you, only that little bit more middle class.

Kev has sent us a sample of the letters, emails and texts sent to him along with his replies. We begin with an email from Cobwanner Crabwitch. He works unsocial hours as a despatcher for a late-night lingerie emporium, and has a young teenage son, Jason. Cobwanner writes: Dear Kev, would you please fix it for my son to visit the Galapagos Islands. He wants to be an evolutionary biologist like the ones on Melvyn Bragg’s programme. I can’t afford for him to go to South America because my job for the lingerie emporium doesn’t pay much (but then I don’t do it for the money). I would like you to help fix it for my son to realise his dream because if he doesn’t he has threatened to stop listening to Melvyn Bragg and go on Jeremy Kyle. Yours sincerely…

Writes Kev: Galapagos was formed by Ludo Chalkface, originally the bassist in The Nanas of Novocaine, with five members of the recently split Lemonfather, whose lead singer, Bob McGob, had been a leading member of the early seventies Ludlow pogo acapalla scene. Their first album came out in 1988 on the now defunct Ventnor Vinyl label. According to a recent book on the subject by Trish Hackensack, VV operated either out of a cave in Ventnor once used by eighteenth century wig smugglers, or in an abandoned Soviet Navy submarine which had run aground on nearby rocks while on manoeuvres in 1976. (Coincidentally, that was the year that Lemonfather brought out their first 12-inch, Dromedary Safari, recently re-released on Righteous Monkey, downloadable from their myspace page.) I last saw Galapagos at the 1998 Runty Munty Festival in Littlehampton – which, since it has been taken over by the Corsican Mafia, has really gone downhill – and although they did a good version of The Forehead Song they were, to be honest, rubbish.

Dear Kev, Please could you fix it for me to get in a racing car? Like the ones the Top Gear chaps have? I want to run over the Prime Minister. If you fix it for me I promise to make you a Baron! Name and address witheld.

Dear David, Smashing Gear Baron is in fact another name for Harvey Wallflower, aka the Trackie Bum Boys, aka Largactyl Ptereodactyl; and that’s just a small selection! Whatever the name, they were one of the most innovative bands of the golden age of pub rock. Despite their frequent changes of name, averaging two a month in the period ’82-5, they are not known to have ever recorded, or performed, or even met each other – even virtually over the internet. This is despite the fact that they all drank in the same pub in Erith, the Trunkshankers (good pint of Beardlifter there) and in summer shared a pre-fab bothy on Canvey Island. The core members of the band were Steve Rank, who some believe to have been the singer, though he is not known to have opened his mouth other than to drink Beardlifter, and the Dick twins, possibly interchangeable on guitar and drums. However, both Bee and Gus Dick were acutely allergic to musical instruments due to an Erith-centred epidemic of exploding plastic xylophones in the late sixties. This may have been connected with the expansion of the then-Purfleet based Semtex Sounds into instrument production. See Lester Weirdon’s book, The Inevitability of the SE London Exploding Plastic Xylophone Epidemic and its Possible Causes, available only in Kazakhstan. For more information on Baron Smashing Gear et al, just type any word into a search engine and then look on about the four-thousandth page.

Kev’ll Fix It starts next Monday.

 

Advertisements

2 Comments

  1. i havn’et the faintest what it is you are on about but i like what it is you do, which from me is high praise indded mr. aggregate. i frequent a club in N8 which has spoken word/comedy slot and would like to see your kind of act there instead of people who sound like stweart lee, not that i’ve got anything aganist stweart lee. maybe you like him, i just think stwerat lee repeats himself on a regular basis. anyway, keep up the reviews, like your stuff, later, bye.

  2. In all such situations, the driver must ensure the integrity of the data by synchronizing access to the shared locations. ,


Comments RSS TrackBack Identifier URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  • Archives

  • April 2009
    M T W T F S S
    « Mar   Jan »
     12345
    6789101112
    13141516171819
    20212223242526
    27282930